


where to go from here

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: British Sign Language, Deaf Character, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24488590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: He’s not thinking as he plays with Ben’s ring, arm thrown over Callum’s shoulder. He’s not thinking as he rubs his thumb over it, twists at it, lifts it to press it to his mouth.Ben jerks his hand away.“Sorry,” Callum says quickly, turning so Ben can see him. “Sorry.”
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 21
Kudos: 168





	where to go from here

**Author's Note:**

> for a prompt over at tumblr asking for a story about ben's ring. this is a mess of themes, I'm sorry, but hopefully you all enjoy x

The telly bathes them in the blue light, and Callum struggles to keep his eyes open. He’s not thinking as he plays with Ben’s ring, arm thrown over Callum’s shoulder. He’s not thinking as he rubs his thumb over it, twists at it, lifts it to press it to his mouth.

Ben jerks his hand away.

“Sorry,” Callum says quickly, turning so Ben can see him. “Sorry.”

“S’alright,” Ben tells him with a soft smile, and they both know he’s lying. “Just weird, y’know.”

“Yeah, course.”

“C’mere.” Ben pulls Callum in close enough to kiss him, a hand through Callum’s hair and down to his neck. He can feel the cool silver of his ring there. “You look like you’re gonna fall asleep there.”

Callum knows he’s deflecting, but he’s not wrong. Callum’s too tired to press the issue right now - too tired to work out whether it’s a good idea or not.

“Yeah,” he sighs, bringing a hand up to cover Ben’s. It’s soft and warm and Callum thinks about all the other parts of him it’s touched. He smiles. “I might head to bed.”

“Alright. I’ll be in soon.”

Callum gives Ben another quick kiss and heads for bed. As he strips down to his shorts, and turns down the bed, and switches on the lamp on Ben’s side of the bed - he thinks about Paul.

He thinks about Paul until he finally falls asleep.

*

It plays on Callum’s mind after that. Ben’s ring, and why he wears it. Ben’s ring, and the fact they haven’t talked about it since before they got together. When Ben got drunk and ripped himself open in front of Callum; let Callum see his true self.

Callum knows Ben keeps parts of himself secret.

He’s not sure why this feels any different.

“I’m terrible,” Callum groans, dropping his head onto an arm as his beer sloshes over his fingers.  “Yeah, mate,” Jay drawls, nursing his own pint. “I’m sure everyone who’s ever met ya has thought, wow that HIghway bloke is really terrible. He helps little old ladies across the street, what a wanker.”

Callum doesn’t lift his head. “Shut up, I’m serious.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. Why are you terrible?”

“It’s just …” Callum brings his head up, and talks into his glass. He feels a sense of shame, not being able to talk about this with Ben and yet sitting here telling his best mate. “Ben’s ring. The other day he got funny about it and I … I realised we’ve never really talked about it.”

“Okay … still not getting the terrible part.”

“Well I … I guess I’m jealous. Which is …” Callum groans again and gulps down what’s left in his glass. Ben’s out till late with work, and Lola’s got a girls night, so he and Jay dragged themselves to the Vic to drown the sorrow of the day.

“Fair.”

“Fair?”

“Well, I mean … fair that you’re jealous because he has a part of him he’s never shared with ya. But if it makes you feel any better, I can’t get anything out of him without a knee and a crowbar either.”

“I know. And I don’t think he  _ should _ tell me about it. I just wish that he  _ wanted _ to. I guess.”

“Well, then tell him that. Don’t push - we both know that won’t work - just … let him know.”

“Yeah …” Callum agrees, and he sits back in his seat, feeling a little lighter. “Yeah, I will.”

If he sounds confident about it, well.

Maybe he’s getting better at lying to himself.

*

Days turn into a week, and two, and Callum still can’t find the right time to talk to Ben. He tries not to let his eyes linger on the ring too long, tries not to notice the way Ben touches at it sometimes when he’s deep in thought.

It’s Callum’s problem, not Ben’s.

It’s not right to hold it over him. 

“You know you got a tiny little freckle, right there?” Ben says teasingly at Callum’s side in bed, pressing a finger into the skin of Callum’s lower side. Callum squirms, and laughs, grabbing Ben’s hand.

“Stop.”

“And what’s this scar?” he asks, going for the other side, but Callum grabs that hand too and manages to flip him onto his back.

“I got knifed,” he tells Ben, watching his face morph into absolute shock. Callum laughs.

“I actually knifed myself when I was cooking in the Army. I was pretty hopeless.”

“Well you’ve gotten better.”

“Are you complimenting my cooking?”

“You know I love your famous pasta,” Ben teases, wrapping his legs around Callum’s hips. They’re both in their bed clothes, having a slow and lazy morning, and Callum moves his hips up and brings his mouth down close to Ben’s own.

“Ya making fun of me now.”

“When you got me pinned to the bed? Never.”

Callum closes the small gap between them to kiss Ben, a touch, a touch until Ben’s mouth opens beneath him. Callum’s tongue is quick and forceful and the kiss is crashing, it bruises. Ben’s legs go higher and he brings his hips up to make more contact, and Callum’s right there with him.

It’s just dry and desperate, swelling against each others’ thighs as their kiss gets slicker, messier. 

Callum’s still got Ben’s hands in his, their fingers entwining. Ben’s ring is there, grazing along Callum’s own finger, and it shoots something low in Callum’s stomach that he’s not exactly proud of.

“Callum,  _ please _ ,”

“Yeah?” Callum says in a husky voice, making sure Ben’s watching.

Ben nods, and closes his eyes, pushing up for more friction. “Yeah, fuck me, c’mon.”

Callum leaves him only long enough to get lube and condoms, to get himself naked as Ben strips down too. It’s messy and fumbling and they’re both flailing as they get ready, grinning at each other, finally, when Callum fucks into Ben with a huff.

“Yeah, yes,” Ben groans, clawing dull fingernails into Callum’s back.

Callum thinks,  _ I hope I can see that later _ , and maybe that’s what all this is about.

He doesn’t want Ben to belong to him.

He just wants to leave a mark.

*

There’s a rare night later that week when they’re at Callum’s flat having dinner together. They’re not rushed, not trying to stitch minutes together or falling asleep over their lasagne. They have wine and cheese beforehand, have second helpings of mains, even mull over the the thought of going and getting some icecream.

Instead they put on Escape to the Country and Callum laughs at Ben’s very pointed opinions.

Callum sits up half way through an episode set in the Cotswolds, making sure Ben is looking when he asks, “Can I talk to you about something?”

He sees the way Ben’s spine seems to straighten, immediately turning defensive. “If it’s about BSL classes - ”

“No, no,” Callum says, waving his hands to assure him. “It’s … It’s about Paul.”

Ben’s eyes linger on Callum’s mouth, but Callum knows he understood the words. His face shutters, and he looks down at his lap. Callum’s gaze follows, and Ben’s touching at his ring. “You mean it’s about this.”

“That too, I guess.”

“It bothers you, don’t it?”

“What?  _ No _ .”

“It does,” Ben bites out accusingly. “I’ve seen you looking at it.”

“It’s not the ring,” Callum says, grabbing Ben’s hand and holding it in both of his own. “I’ve just been thinking about it lately. How we ain’t talked about Paul for a long time. And I want you to know you can. You always can.”

“I know that.” 

“Ben …”

“I  _ know _ , Callum,” Ben shouts, pulling his hand away and getting up off the couch. Callum wants to reign it all back in - Ben, his words, this whole conversation. “You don’t need to keep reminding me how good you are. I get it.”

“That’s not - ”

“If I wanted to talk about Paul, I would, yeah? But I thought with both of nearly dying, and me being deaf, that we’d have other stuff to talk about.”

“Of course we do, it’s not - ”

“I don’t need this right now, I’ve gotta go.”

“Ben!” Callum calls, trying to catch Ben before he gets out the door, but it’s no use.

Callum stands in the middle of the flat, and listens to the door slam.

*

Lexi comes down with a fever at school, and Callum’s the one tasked with going to get her. She seems alright by the time he goes to get her, red-cheeked and bubbly and apparently excited to see him. Callum shares a look with the teacher, maybe something that says, Mitchells, Hey?

Callum doesn’t mind. He makes them both some hot chocolate and puts a movie on the telly that’s a little too bright and musical for him.

Lexi’s enthralled.

“You feeling okay, Lex?” Callum asks, sitting by her on the couch and touching her forehead. She doesn’t feel too hot, although Callum’s never been cut out for nursing. He used to make Whit soup that she couldn’t even pretend to enjoy. 

“Yeah,” she says, letting out a weak cough. “I think I’m just allergic to school.”

Callum can’t help the bark of laughter. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah, it’s what daddy tells me. He says he was allergic to school, too.”

“I bet,” Callum says a little quieter now, feeling it clutch at his chest. “But school can be good. I liked it.”

“Yeah, daddy says that too.”

“Oh, he talks about me does he?”

“Course! All the time.” Lexi sits up a little, her eyes rolled to one side. “He says, you gotta take after Callum. Callum has done lots of good things. Callum is so clever, ask Callum.”

Callum can barely get words out, pulling her in close by the shoulders to bury his face in her hair. “Well, I bet ya love hearing that,” he says, trying to sound lighthearted but feeling like he’s buried under a tonnage of emotions.

Ben talks about him all the time.

Ben makes sure he’s a permanent part of his daughters life, even when Callum can’t be there.

Ben ...

“It’s alright,” Lexi giggles, leaning into Callum’s. “Jay says that about mum, too. I know it’s ‘cause he loves ya so much.”

“Yeah,” Callum says with a smile, and squeezes her tight. “Yeah he does, don’t he? Just like I love him.” 

“ _Duh_.”

*

The thing is, Callum loved Whit. He loved Chris. He loved a boy in third year named Franklin who used to save his crisps for Callum every day after school. They’d sit together on an old, broken brick wall a few streets from Franklin’s house and look at comic books together. 

Callum watched him walk away every day and felt heart sick.

He knew that was love, in a way.

Callum’s been lucky, to know love. Have love. But he’d never been so in love that it consumed him. So in love that it changed everything about him, reformed him, rebuilt him in a way that he could never explain in words. 

At least not until now.

Until Ben.

“I’m sorry,” Callum says when he sees Ben next, both of them standing in the middle of the square.

“Me too,” Ben says with a nod. “I didn’t mean …”

“It’s alright, it’s fine.”

“It ain’t that I don’t want to talk about him, I just haven’t figured out how.”

“You don’t have to explain to me,” Callum tells him, grabbing his shoulders. He means it as much as he’s ever meant anything - and although he won’t let Ben get away with things he also won’t force him to be or say or do something he doesn’t want.

He wants Ben just as he is.

“I do know I can talk to you,” Ben says in a low voice, face open and eyes honest. “I know that I can tell you anything.”

“You can.”

“And that … it scares the shit out of me, Callum.”

The way he says it feels like a fist to Callum’s stomach. “Ben.”

“I loved Paul. So, so much.”

“I know.”

“But …” Ben ducks his head, taking a breath that seems to come from somewhere deep inside his belly. “This, you and me, it’s … “

“I know,” Callum says again, because it’s a love that’s changed him. He knows. 

His bones and veins and soul know.

“I survived losing Paul. And I … I’ve got this, to remember that,” he lifts his hand to show his ring. Callum holds it there. “But if I lost you …  _ fuck _ . I donno.  _ I don’t know _ , Callum.”

“It’s alright,” is all Callum says, because he’d like to promise that he’ll always be here. That Ben won’t have to go through that again. He wishes he could promise a lot of things but he realises the best he can do is just be here now, and be sure of the fact that Ben loves him.

When he brings Ben’s hand to his mouth this time, he doesn’t pull away.

The ring is smooth under his lips, and Ben’s breath is ragged as he finally lets it out.

_ Love you _ , he signs. 

*

_ one day _

Ben brings Callum breakfast in bed, and on the tray there’s a small vase with a red rose. Next to the vase there’s a small box, and it’s closed.

Callum feels his heart beat in his throat.

"I have something to show you," Ben tells Callum, signing along to his words. Callum signs back,

_ Okay?  _ There's toast and eggs on the tray too so he jokes, trying to calm himself down _. Pancakes? _

Ben swats at him. "No. Here." 

Ben pulls up his sleeve and it takes Callum a moment to work out what he's looking at. The skin is still red and raw, but in cursive along Ben's wrist he has inked,  _ Paul _ .

Callum holds Ben's hand, and holds back from rubbing his thumb over it. "It's beautiful."

Ben smiles, Callum letting go of his hand so he can sign as he talks. "Thanks. I wanna get Lexi's name too, but I thought she’d wanna come along for that one.”

“She’d love that.”

"There's something else."

"Oh?" Callum asks, pretending to wonder what else Ben could possibly be showing him - but Ben sees right through him, and huffs. 

"Oh?" he teases, and he reaches for the small box to hand it to Callum. “Open it.”

“Ben,” Callum says, almost not even sounding the word out. He’s forgotten how to breathe, forgotten how to make his hands work without shaking.

There, sitting inside the small box, are two rings.

“I wanna marry you, Callum Highway,” Ben tells him, not stumbling over the word even though Callum’s never seen him sign it before. “I wanna live with you and travel with you and, I donno, maybe one day have kids with you if you want that too …”

Callum wipes at his cheek, his hand coming away wet. He laughs around his tears. “Ben.”

“I was in love once, and I promised him forever, but … but forever don’t exist. There’s right now. And right now I don’t want to do anything else but be your husband. So, so will you marry me?”

“Ben,” Callum says again, uselessly, his tears streaming now and the box still sitting in his shaking hands. “Yes, of course,  _ yes _ .”

Callum’s glad for Ben taking over, pulling out one of the rings and quickly putting it onto Ben’s finger. Callum finally gets himself together to do the same for Ben, and then they’re just a mess of tears and kisses, twisting themselves together in an embrace that feels endless.

“I love you,” Callum says so that Ben can see him, and through red, teary eyes Ben laughs and says it back, “Love you, love you, love you.”

Ben’s got a tattoo on his wrist, and Callum’s got a ring on his finger, and they’ve both got a scar on their hearts.

Love like this. 

It was always going to hurt. 

That’s what made it feel so good. 

**Author's Note:**

> thefancyspin.tumblr.com


End file.
